Wondering About Love
I often wonder about love, that is the few kinks associated with affection and the stomach-churning feeling that comes with attraction. Through it all, I find love to be incomprehensible, capable of materializing in all sorts of matter, but never really stabilizing as one. In my attempts to understand it, I have laid awake for dozens of hours, written too many unpublished blog posts, and witnessed countless, possible "acts of love." Most of these occurrences answer some of my questions, yet also raises just as many. And how easy it is to relinquish the hopes of love, to take one look at her eyes and fully realize her evanescent beauty fleeting for the rest of eternity. But to also encompass all you consider love in this one person? What a tragedy it is to love in hope and fail in the impossibility of acting on a single thing.
There goes the crux of what I usually say about love, something I include out of the daily reminders I receive of, quite frankly, the hopelessness of love. In the midst of it all, I look at everyone with a disdainful heart. It isn't hard to find the joy of others and turn it into the melancholy of ourselves.
There's nothing left of this humanistic love I search for on a daily basis. Maybe it's this exact, constant, disappointment that draws me to a God who exudes love, and in it, shows me the love I crave, while putting me in the shoes of the "her" I mention all too often in my writing. How crazy it is that the God of the universe pours out Himself for what little I am, only to receive back the same evanescent love I criticize of others.
In the grand scope of things, I guess I should find love palpable in every second of my life. To declare myself the so-called victim, only to realize I'm very much the offender too, leaves me in a mess, too willing to continue down the same path, but also trying to take solace in the presence and ageless love of God.
Call it the only thing I can rely on, a crutch if you must. Of all I can claim of my devout faith to divine love, I know it usually ends up feeling quite small in comparison to all I imagine in a 5'7 girl with long straight hair and a smile all too irresistible.
The hope is that one day I'll see God like that too.