My hands trembled, fidgeting towards the opposite side of the screen. There, a single emoji glared back at me, a tear in one eye, capturing the essence of everything I felt. My thumb slowly pressed down, inches away from inputting the depths of my heart. If honesty were possible, nothing should've held me back. But that wasn't what my facade was going for. This was the pinnacle of courtesy, simple gestures of advocacy with the deepest inkling of sadness, hatred, and disappointment. I had lost and there was no way around this. To me, the world and all of its divinity crucified me to oblivion. The patience I once held now full of arrogance, and the love I felt manifested in the deepest of loathing. No wonder people question the preaching of the supposed epitomized world and what it's meant to be. A nature exalted as loving and caring has no say in the victory of whatever hell this was.
What I imagined in my mind was the illustration of dreams and fantasies, now shattered in an array disassembled by the whims of strangers. It's unfair, how the insidious devilry, through all the immorality, has won. The things I've been brought up believing were now empty. If this was the world I have to continue living in, there was no point in me existing anymore. Vindication, it seemed, was a thing of fairy tales.
What a mockery I've made of myself but what else could I have done. Confidence is the backbone of what leveled my playing field. For once in years, I believed in myself, in full anticipation of what I thought to be a deserved reward. Breaking my back means little in the grand scheme of things if all I craved became all that was on the table.
I liked the best of me, the parts of my clean soul I had. The enthusiasm, excitement, and drive suddenly came to a stop. No joy, no hopes, and only despair. What once fueled me stopped coming in supply and here I was in acknowledgement that everything I couldn't be is all that I am. In a way, I lied to myself and everyone around me. Yet, I didn't really care because, in this moment, there were only two things on my mind.
Deplorable? Check. An obese, hideous slob? Check. A face riled in a misshapen and haggard forest? I don't need to tell anyone that. Well, then again, nothing I really say or think matters. Opinions are only as valid as they fulfill a person's desires. Otherwise, they're lodged in a cruel and abominable world where the villains are seen as heroes and righteous considered slaves to the hierarchy. If it's not sadness I want to feel, then it's an abhorrence I need to evoke, and that's easy enough to do.
Until I see your face, and then I'll crack a smile, with a blackened heart still inside.