Finding a place to start a post is hard when a wedding pulls you in all different directions. You'd think I'd learn by now, that witnessing a wedding shouldn't be a testament to my own life, that I should be celebrating someone else's happiness and not wallowing in despair at my lack of it. Through it all, I'm trying to focus on a line of lyric from a song I recently came upon: "all the broken hearts in the world still beat." And Ingrid Michaelson's right. All the broken hearts in the world do still beat despite feeling otherwise. It seems like that's all I've been trying to do recently, meditate on a few lines of facts and in doing so hope that it'll cement itself inside my heart. But we all know that never works. The things we try to tell ourselves, no matter how true, come out with little meaning when all the heart wants is something different. I'm a big believer in repetition and constantly tell people it's probably the best way to become better at something. Yet, repeating the same logical reasoning in my mind every hour, no matter how valid, hardly gets through any of the heavy emotions in my heart. If becoming better at this simply meant going to the local park and putting up 300 jump shots, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But it isn't that easy.
If we're not celebrating and supporting the couple during a marriage, the next inclination is to think about ourselves. What about me? Am I not good enough? The married couples around me, even the people just dating, seem so much happier than I am. It's so easy to think about all the failed love endeavors, from the most recent to the first one. That's the question, isn't it? What does he have that I don't and how can I become like that. I have no charm and this day of marriage will never come upon me.
It's selfish to think this way during a wedding but that doesn't make it any less difficult to get these thoughts out. Maybe it's the emphasis we put on exterior things that kills us. We want the prettiest person, a high-class venue, and the fanciest outfit. The things we see with our eyes become the object of gratification and worship and isn't that the human weakness. And it's only worse that we tend to amplify the importance of things we don't have in moments of our friend's happiness because, one way or another, we're slightly jealous.
I don't think it's crazy that we're constantly jealous of our siblings and friends. Regardless of everything else, if the one thing we want is something we can't have, envy becomes the real enemy. Perhaps the comforting part is that no one is alone in this. Everyone fights the same battle against that one pretty girl who's only going to choose one bachelor. And the other girl who finds no one only sees the guys choosing that one girl and wonders what about me.
Had the world made life a fair playground, we wouldn't be able to celebrate when the day finally comes. I think this is what keeps me alive, just barely, but alive nonetheless. This is what those lyrics meant. Though our hearts are constantly broken, they still beat to one day be repaired. There's the ever subtle and slight hope that our wedding day will still come but that doesn't mean it won't stop hurting. It'll hurt so damn much, for however long it takes, until the day it comes. But won't it be all that much more awesome when it does?
I guess I'll try meditating on this now.