Farewell, for now
The first blog post I ever wrote talked about why I write. I concluded I wasn't quite sure back then, and that it was out of some reckless endeavor to find balance between an outlet for my thoughts and a pursuit of a career in writing. Somehow, I found myself a career in banking and writing has evolved into an avenue far too synonymous with me for any personal thoughts to manifest. I guess that's ironic, that my personal blog became too attached to the person I was, or wasn't.
Still, I never really thought I'd actually quit blogging. This was my lottery ticket, a minuscule chance at a career I wanted but felt too difficult to attain. In some ways, I felt the need to upkeep my writing for the twenty viewers I had per post, in hopes that, eventually, my work would pay off. Maybe it did in some ways, helping me shaping my views and ideas in ways I couldn't have otherwise. Yet, I don't think I ever felt satisfied with most of what I wrote. I never found myself to be much of a creative person, and yet I suffered from being my own worst critic.
I think it's the right time to pause my blogging for the time being because it's no longer part of me. It's been a long time since I felt like I could be myself through writing these blogs. A few months ago, I had friend suggest I'd be better off not writing, exactly because my personal feelings and thoughts were better kept hidden, as to not give people the wrong idea of the person I am. The millennial side of me says I should be my own person, but the cynical side thinks, well, maybe he's right.
My blogs are actually quite selfish. There's often an agenda behind each post and admitting so would be shameful. I'm not sure if people actually knew more about me through reading what I wrote if the true intentions aren't as obvious as it seemed. I managed to find motivation through the things affecting me the most, but the product of that, at times, attempted to fill a void that simply couldn't be satisfied with a smattering of words in hopes of some attention.
Eventually, writing felt hopeless in some sense, because it was clear no well-crafted, eloquent paragraph could bring the solace I sought. I think with that realization, my reasons for writing over the course of college and first few years of young adult life didn't exist anymore. Blogging always seemed like a solution to anything I feared, disliked, and angered over. Accepting fully that my next blog isn't meant to be an antidote cured the toxic mindset of relying over written words to sate my pain and joy.
This doesn't mean I won't be writing anymore. I've always wanted to pursue writing goals that involved longer pieces and perhaps formally published ones. I'm not sure I could ever stop writing and that was never the plan. All I know is that this marks the end of Thoughts on a Whim in its current state. I would never rule out a return in the future, but if this blog ever returned, I think it'd have a much different focus.
For now, maybe forever, thanks for the memories.