Apparently, I'm a senior
After failing to come up with a good way to start this post, I finally decided that making reference to my failure is the best way to start writing. To me, my inclination to make reference to how utterly lost I am in writing this post, despite my desire to come up with something good, is the epitome of college. It's a little like wanting to study or write an essay but ultimately using a lame excuse to procrastinate or deciding to use a hastily thought up thesis because, in the end, college is really just about handing something in with some kind of substance, whether it be good or bad. I'll be honest: this is how I managed to get through three years of college thus far and I have no idea how I've done it. Fortunately, most my professors believe the things I come up with. Or maybe the things I put on paper are actually worthy of academic praise. I guess we'll never know because it seems that college is a consistently fleeting and distant memory. People say college is the time to "live life" but I think they only say that because college is the most forgiving time in any person's life. I'm not sure if that's supposed to make me dislike a time that seems so evanescent or if I should seize the moment, though people tend to associate with the latter.
The previous two years of leaving college were different because I knew I had more than a year left. I'm now leaving with a sobering realization that the things I thought were annually are going to become, well, never. I'm supposed to end up living the American dream but I don't even know if that's possible anymore. I can go back to school but I don't feel like getting scammed by the education system anymore. For the things people expect me to do, I don't want to end up disappointing the people who expected otherwise. At the end of it all, despite how ready I sometimes feel, I don't feel prepared at all for what's to come.
While growing up, I envisioned my life a lot differently than how it has turned out so far. I wanted that green grass campus where people studied. In five years, maybe seven, I'm to have a Christmas tree on the first floor of my house. I refused to become a stagnant office worker and vowed to do things in ways that matched this sense of perfection that is clearly unobtainable. I thought someone at the age of 20 had to be close to getting their life set. Heck, I thought people started getting married at 23 or something. And to think that these things are only a few short years away? Geez...
Sometime next year, around the same time, my Facebook and Instagram will be flooded with graduation gowns and I'm to be one of them. My first thought will be to bash my college life and think about how it should have been. I'll then remember the good things but still leave unsatisfied. College will forever be a fleeting love, too quick to chase and much too stubborn to keep a hold of. One of these days I'll stop writing complete crap on my essays and I'll be doing the same at work. (If my future potential employer reads this, I was just kidding) This is supposedly the life I should end up leading, though I don't want to.
Most of the things I write end with some kind of different view on the topic of discussion. This is one where I don't have one. Admittedly, I'm frightened and have no idea where I'll even be in a week. The things that surprised me this week will seem like ancient antiques by the time a new surprise hits me next week. I know I aspire to be some sort of writer with differing solutions to every possible roadblock but this is one where I have nothing. Watching Sherlock recently doesn't help with that either. For a brief moment, I have never felt so human in my life. The feeling will go away eventually but it's something so universal and constant. Surely it's only normal to feel like this.
Good thing I'm not quite graduating just yet.